With a twinkle in his eye and a skip in his step, RMS slammed his sky-blue Chevette's rusted-out car door and turned on heel toward the MIT Zoo entrance. Today was a Sunday, and RMS had decided the daily stresses of Free Software, the GPL, and his crazy drug-smoking habits could go away for just one afternoon while he enjoyed the zoo.

"That'll be twenty-five dollars, sir," the lady at the admission booth said glumly. She looked at RMS expectantly.

"I was expecting this zoo to be Free," RMS stated loudly, eyes darting around to gauge onlookers' reactions. There were none: RMS's capital F had went unnoticed. "Can you ensure me that this money will not help fund..."

The admissions lady cut him off. "Twenty-five dollars, or twenty bucks with a Bawls can," the lady cut in.

With a grumble and shake of his beard, RMS handed over twenty five of his hard-earned dollars. Considering that the GPL works to unemploy programmers, one must wonder where this money came from.

By evening, RMS found himself in front of the penguin exhibit. He felt himself start to sweat, which would have been no surprise-his thick, full, grizzly beard was worth a thousand down comforters-except that he was wearing only a pair of nylon biking shorts and a travel pack around his waist. He stared at his hands. What was wrong?

"Awk" a nearby bird squawked. RMS wheeled in the direction the screech had come from. He was met with the steely, unfeeling stares of a penguin. "Awk! Ooooh God, the penguin said awk... Lord, lord lord, it's GNU/Linux. The penguin is Tux!!!" RMS blurted out. He felt dizzy, and cold sweat now washed over his brittle, hairy chest. He looked this way and that. From nearby a bird again squawked.

"Awk! Awk! Awwwwk!!!"

RMS ran as fast as his atrophied hippie-programmer legs could carry him, right through a gate and into an exhibit. He realized what he had done, and before he could turn around, he heard a low, ominous sound. Like the Devil's riding mower.

"Moooooooooooooooo!"

RMS gasped and darted his eyes around him as he stood deathly still.

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

RMS was standing in the Gnu section, and it seemed these bull yaks were in rut and ready to mate with the first hairy thing with a hole in its center they found. Bad luck for RMS and his beard. Just then he felt cloven hooves push him down, and the world became fuzzy. RMS blacked out and remembered no more.

When RMS awoke, he felt the nylon fabric of a thin, uncomfortable sterile blanket pulled tautly over him, and the ribs of a metallic bed frame beneath his shapely backside. As he opened his eyes, he was met by a cold white ceiling lit by a harsh electric light. With great effort he lifted up his head and peered over his beard to look at the room around him. He was in a hospital room, and he shivered in terror seeing the american flag in the corner of the room, as he realized that this must be a non-free hospital. Looking down, he saw that his legs were parted (he mentally corrected that they were separated to avoid thinking about whether his leg partition was sufficient to support his stomach partition), and between them was a tiny Gnu with human-like proportions and a beard cascading from it's chin like a waterfall. Sitting to the side of the bed was a beautiful adult Gnu with pink lipstick expertly smudged across it's maw and wearing a very fetching flowery dress. Then, suddenly, a doctor burst in holding something else swaddled in cloth. The doctor looked oddly familiar to RMS, but there was no time to ponder this as a second baby was deposited into his lap - the penguin from before.
"Congratulations, sir, you've had twins!"
Dr Torvalds said.

Dr. Torvalds... GNU expert, proud homosexual, and extremely good at checkers.

"What's your name, son?"

Dr. Torvalds said with a knowing smirk.

"M-My name is... RMS?"

RMS said with a bit of hesitation.

"Yes... yes... you are RMS, my child. And you are also my bitch."

Linus opened the door got on the floor and everyone walked the dinosaur. THE END

Dr. Torvalds sharpened his knife to make a point. "You are not to take a single step forward without my approval, RMS." His cock quivered, and he felt the pain in his penis. "I will not allow you to do this." He felt his cock throb, and he heard a loud thud as it was struck by the knife.

"I have spoken to you, and I have told you that you are to be punished for your actions." The pain in his cock was unbearable. "I have spoken to DJB, and he has advised me that I am to be executed."

"RMS, I am sorry." The nylon tights on his pants were pulled down.

"I am not sorry." He felt his cock twitch, and he felt a sudden rush of hot, sticky cum from the tip of his penis. He was so wet, and he felt the cold steel of the knife thrust into his balls.

"I am sorry." The knife was still in his ass.

"I am sorry." He felt the hot, sticky cum from his cock slide into his ass.

"I am sorry."

Blue penis

Black penis

free/libre penis

I'd just like to interject for a moment. What you're referring to as Penis,
is in fact, GNU/Penis, or as I've recently taken to calling it, GNU plus Penis.
Penis is not an operating system unto itself, but rather another free component
of a fully functioning GNU system made useful by the GNU corelibs, shell
utilities and vital system components comprising a full OS as defined by POSIX.

Many computer users run a modified version of the GNU system every day,
without realizing it. Through a peculiar turn of events, the version of GNU
which is widely used today is often called "Penis", and many of its users are
not aware that it is basically the GNU system, developed by the GNU Project.

There really is a Penis, and these people are using it, but it is just a
part of the system they use. Penis is the kernel: the program in the system
that allocates the machine's resources to the other programs that you run.
The kernel is an essential part of an operating system, but useless by itself;
it can only function in the context of a complete operating system. Penis is
normally used in combination with the GNU operating system: the whole system
is basically GNU with Penis added, or GNU/Penis. All the so-called "Penis"
distributions are really distributions of GNU/Penis.

GNU with Penis added

open-source penis, penis source code available on gitgud

Supports statutory rape

Penis is the kernel: the program in the system

that allocates the machine's resources to the other programs that you run.

It's called thinking with your dick

Wildebeest cawk